Trusting Trust

The heart always finds a way to trust without objection and hesitation. The mind places the roadblocks before you even get a chance to take that turn. But life will always require you to trust.

It starts off with the simpler things in life, like an alarm clock that you trust at night or the caffeine you trust in the morning, your car to get you to work and your work to always be there. But then every major thing will get in the way. That’s when you realise that moments can hold your trust against you. They will make you question everything and nothing at the same time.

That’s when life turns it all into a board game. And then everything becomes chance. The dice decides your next step and instead of climbing ladders you’re being eaten by snakes only to plummet ten steps down. But while you may know that you need a 6+1 to escape the next snake, life is actually blinder than that.

My feet trust the ground not to give way beneath me and my lungs trust the air to never run out. But what are the chances of my falling? What are the chances that everything is ripped away? And everything taken for granted is what proves to be the first mistake. The mistake that has a domino effect and then calculations and probabilities come into play.

It takes years to learn to trust and a second to forget even the meaning of the word. And I want to navigate the creases and wrinkles and laugh lines back to when it was alright to close your eyes and expect there to be hands to catch you when you fall. I want to close my eyes and expect there to be blood coursing through my veins not this panic that is eating me alive. I want to close my eyes and feel safe in the darkness that my eyelids provide.

But how do you ever get back?

Be Nothing But Happy

Life is funny. Sometimes it is simple, sometimes it is tough. But never is it boring. This is especially true lately, where I have been incessantly reminded that life is without any certainty other than change. In the past two years it feels as though I have gone through more than I have in the preceding twenty-one. Many changes and events that I endured were anything but easy, though ultimately they have brought me here. And I couldn’t be happier.

On the other side of the negativity and self-doubt that I had grown so accustomed to in more recent years, I found that there truly is freedom. There is freedom in releasing yourself from those who do not inspire you. There is freedom in forgiving those who have wronged you. And there is freedom in embracing yourself – flaws and all. I have learned the value and meaning of perspective. You can let an experience break you or build you, define you or develop you. The key, as I have learned, is to keep moving forward. If you live in the past you will go nowhere.

Now? Life is still life – changing on the daily. I still experience days that test my patience and challenge my outlook. But at the end of the day, I know I am okay. I am young, alive, and healthy. That in its own is the greatest blessing I could ever ask for. Not every day can be glamorous; therefore it is important to find the beauty in the ordinary, because there is always a reason to smile.

Be nothing but happy.

Meet Yourself Where You Are

Experiencing some form of loss can be one of the most difficult life experiences for many of us. I know this to be true in my case. I am sensitive by nature. I feel things so intensely at times that I’m convinced I can actually feel pieces of my heart breaking when grieving a loss.

Not too long ago, I was faced with a challenging situation, which rattled me to my core. I was in pain. I couldn’t stop crying. I was angry. I was sad. Then angry again. There were days when I didn’t want to get up and face the day. But no amount of sniffling or hiding under the covers was going to change what had happened. And checking out from my life was certainly not going to ease my heartache. As a result, I chose to walk through that experience and began to heal in a graceful manner. That didn’t mean I was kicking butt, or even looking my best. Let’s just say, waterproof mascara definitely came in handy during that period of time. Being graceful meant showing up, facing the day, and being true to myself about how I was feeling. In a nutshell, I allowed myself to feel my feelings. If I was sad, I embraced that sadness. When I was angry, I expressed that in a healthy way. I opened up to my girlfriends, shared my thoughts, and accepted that this was exactly where I was supposed to be in that moment.

There is no timetable when dealing with loss, and I can honestly say, there are moments even now, when I reflect on what I went through, that stirs up some residual pain. However, it’s only brief, and I let myself acknowledge whatever feelings come up for me today. Being on the other side of grief has been empowering. I now have a faith so strong, that I know I WILL BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. For someone like me, who has struggled with fear (like many of us), and has let that fear dictate her choices, having this realization has been life changing.

If you’re going through something difficult, or dealing with loss, my heart goes out to you. I know you’ll be okay, stronger even. Meet yourself where you’re at. Don’t fight your feelings. Instead, lean into them, and show yourself a little kindness along the way. Find comfort in knowing that this too shall pass.

Be Here Now

I stumbled across a quote the other day which read “Wherever you are, be all there” and it really got me thinking. I spend quite a bit of time away from the present – not fully living because I am too enveloped in my own mind. When I am at work, when I’m hanging out with friends, or when I’m on the phone with a family member, I often daydream about situations that either have or haven’t happened. I relive moments that happened last week, reeling in past happiness or overanalyzing a previous event. I exercise my wishful thinking and imagine things that have never, nor probably will ever, happen. I daze off into dreamland, completely absentminded and not at all present, and think about other places I’d rather be or things I’d rather be doing.

How many moments do we miss out on because we are distracted by things that are not in front of us? Don’t we owe it to who or whatever we are in the presence of to be fully attentive, because wouldn’t we want the same if tables were turned?

Can we change what has happened in the past? No, it is done. Can we predict what is going to happen in the future: tomorrow, next week, or next year? No, it is unwritten and unpredictable. Can we take charge of the very moment we are in now, embracing it to the fullest? Yes. That is the ONLY thing that we as humans are capable of doing.

To be present and “all there” in a moment means many things. When you listen, really listen. Don’t passively nod your head giving another person the impression that you are paying attention, when in reality you are thinking about the cute person that waved to you this morning. When you hear a joke, fully absorb it. Laugh and let it be real. When you are passing people and buildings on the street, don’t be oblivious to everything happening around you. Observe! Take in your surroundings! There are so many beautiful or important scenes we miss out on.

I challenged myself for one week to truly live in the present. It is difficult to even put into words how much I have been missing. How many smiles went unseen, words unheard, moments unnoticed. To be honest, at the end of the first few days I was exhausted, but my brain has never felt so stimulated and my heart so liberated.

Leave the past behind you and the future ahead of you, because you are not there - in either place. Enjoy where you are at this very second. It is all that you truly have. It is all that truly belongs to you.

It's Okay To NOT Be Okay

I’m not okay.

There I said it. I am not okay.

I’m stressed. I’m worried. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m a little lost. I’m angry. And I’m exhausted from pretending that I’m not.

I’m not okay.

And you know what. That’s okay.

Because I know I won’t always feel this way.

This too shall pass.

I will figure things out. I will discover my purpose in life. I will be okay. I won’t be sad forever. I won’t be stressed forever. I won’t always be lost. I will be okay, even if I’m not right now.

I know society isn’t too keen on showing weakness. It’s highly discouraged, at least on a subconscious level. We are expected to be the picture of health and beauty and knowledge. We must be strong and determined. We have to be perfect. All. The. Time.

It’s exhausting trying to live up to that expectation.

I don’t know why I keep trying.

I have always been self-critical. I beat myself up over tiny things, the smallest mistakes. (Not to mention the big mistakes). I’ll over analyze five-minute conversations, wondering if I said the wrong thing and what the other person thinks of me now. I lose sleep over decisions I made years ago, wondering what I could have done differently.

I get wrapped up in trying to be perfect, in trying to please everyone around me. Because it’s difficult to remember that it’s a fruitless cause. Perfection doesn’t exist. You can’t make everyone happy all the time.

And I’m learning that that’s okay.

I am learning to forgive myself for not being perfect. And I’m learning to forgive myself for not always being okay. Because right now, I’m not. But I also have the ability to change that.

It’s important to acknowledge how you’re feeling. It’s important to not only identify, but also validate your feelings. Be honest about how you feel even if you don’t think people will understand or relate or care. I can’t count the number of times someone has asked me how I am and I respond with “I’m good” or “I’m fine” when I’m really not. It’s a little white lie, an automatic response to a small-talk question. And it doesn’t do me any good. It doesn’t make me feel better, sometimes I feel worse for not being honest.

Acknowledge the negative feelings. Say “hi, hello, I see you there.” Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re having a bad day or a rough week, or a hard month. Don’t feel like you have to apologize for it either. It’s okay. We all have them at some point.

What I’m still learning to do though, is not sink into the feeling. That’s when it becomes difficult for me to get out of the funk.

I remind myself that I will feel better at some point. A good night sleep usually does the trick. Or going for a walk. Or completely reorganizing my entire room. Sometimes I call my friend and ask him to tell me jokes. Find something that works for you so you don’t get stuck in the “not okayness” for too long.

It’s okay to not be okay, just remember that you will be okay eventually. You can do this.

Be Who You Really Are

Can you remember, who you were before the world told you who you should be? Before social media and tabloids decided that it was their job to define beauty for the rest of us? What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.

I had a conversation with one of my friends recently about how we felt like we weren’t successful enough for 23 year olds. We actually compared ourselves to characters on television shows around the same age—yeah television shows. We realized that was absolutely ridiculous, but the strangest part was how easy it was to compare ourselves to these fictional characters portrayed by decorated celebrities with stylists.

As the conversation continued we started to talk about how these same characters dictated our definition of physical beauty and eventually about how we believed that beauty is much deeper than the skin. One of the most beautiful things is when people are 100% organic. There is something special about a person who is unapologetically themselves. It takes guts to be who you really are and not who the world wants you to be.

💓Just be you, you are enough!!

It was eye opening to see how much the entertainment industry had influenced us and even how we saw ourselves. This hour long phone conversation was life changing, silly as that may sound. The realization that my beautiful friend (or rather beautyFULL) was struggling through the same self-doubt as me was reassuring, for lack of a better word. We ended the conversation by encouraging each other and agreed that we definitely are successful and although we may not be where we want to be in life yet, we are absolutely on our own paths to greatness.

Hello Moment

Hello Moment, it’s me.

That’s where I’m at right now, introductions, the beginning of something new, something exciting, something revolutionary. And Moment, that something is you.

“Moment, you have eluded me. For a long time I could never fully grasp you. I could never fully enjoy you. It was a difficult task just getting out of bed when you woke me in your morning.”

It’s never been easy to envelop myself in your colours, your tastes, or your smells. It has never been easy to settle into you without wishing for the future, or the past, or a different moment that could have been.

I’m learning to live within you, to let go of the other moments that have come and gone, and just be here with you, as strange and as terrifying as that is. You are beautiful, and I never noticed how striking your beauty was before.

I recently was given a sign that said, “Today you are exactly where you need to be, tomorrow is up to you.” And I thought of you. I thought this is what I need, a reminder that nothing matters except this moment. Yesterday is done with. Tomorrow will come when it comes. You, Moment, are here now. And that is a wonderful thing.

I don’t know where I will be in a year or two, or five. Yes of course I have plans. Yes of course I have dreams. And with you, I will work toward them. I will make choices when you bring them to my feet, but I am done jumping the gun. I am done living in the could have beens, the should have beens, the what ifs, or the moments that will never come. It’s exhausting and not as much fun as when I am with you.

Moment, you and I have had a tumultuous relationship for a long time, and I think we’ve taken a turn. I think I’ve come to understand you better, and I’ve fallen in love with you so suddenly, so gently that it took my breath away, like all good moments do.

The truth is, time is all we have. It’s all we get. It’s all we have to give. And I don’t want to waste the time I have. Moment, I’m so excited to meet you, every second of every day. You are always changing me, always challenging me, and I’m sorry that I didn’t notice all you’ve done for me before. I’m paying close attention now.

Keep Moving!!

Sometimes in life we need to let go of the past in order to move forward. People always say that the past shape your future. And that's 100% true.

However, sometimes the past becomes baggage, anchors that prevent you from moving forward in life. you need to remove these anchors and your personal 'ship of life' will finally go where the 'wave of life' takes you.

Don't be afraid to let go of the past. it will always be in your memories. The future is where you need to go. And it doesn't have room for the past. you need to trust yourself and the Ultimate Script-writer.

Just let go. The future will be wonderful :-*

A Small but Fair Rant

So I don’t have as many followers as some people who have only had their blog for 1 years, I may not say the perfect things and have an interesting life to talk about, I may not be that funny, I may not want to follow all blogs back because I wouldn’t be able to read the bloggers I want to read, I may not post everyday and know what to post, I may not reply to comments in a day.

But I love my blog. My blog is where I can be me, people don’t give me a label. I don’t have to be that confident one or the shy one in the background or the one that dances with six year olds in the fountains *doesn’t sound as weird as you think, don’t judge me* I don’t have to look perfect and have to dress up for the occasion.

Most times, I’m writing in my Bambi pjs. Look, I don’t care if you unfollow my blog now or that you hate my posts, I don’t give a crap. Also, I’m not going to promote you in my blog!! I only ‘promote’ people when I think they deserve promotion.

But thank you for the people who read my posts and actually bother to comment on them, You are the best. But look guys don’t give me a label in the offline or in the online world. I’m me and I’m not ‘hipster’ or ‘cool.’ I’m not trying to be and I’m me. Guys but seriously, why do you even read my posts?! I don’t get it. But thank you and I love every single one of you!

Not Fine ?? That's Fine !!

It's okay to have bad day; just like it's okay to not be okay. As humans we tend to feel as if we have to always be "fine". We get asked pretty frequently, " how are you?" and "how are you feeling today?" What if one day we just answered honestly? What if one day we didn't just say "fine"?

I’m in a better place in my life, but I’ve had years of not being okay while answering “fine” every time someone asked me how I was doing. We all have days when we don’t want to answer that we are “fine” or “okay.” What we really want to say is: “I feel like crap” or “I’m hurting.”

We’re living in a time where we’re seeing more crimes of hate that come about because of hurt-- hurt that wasn’t addressed so it turned into something bigger than that person could have imagined. I’m writing this just to say it’s okay not to be okay and sometimes you should tell people that.

Most of the time we answer with what we think others want to hear, afraid that we’ll get a reaction we don’t want. Of course that is always a possibility, but the majority of the time what I’ve learned is that people actually do care about how you’re doing. It can seem like an overused phrase or question, and many times we take it for granted, but as human beings we should be more open to what our co-workers, friends, and family members are feeling.

Next time you ask someone how they’re doing, really ask. It can mean the world to that person. It can save a life. Don’t just be that girl or that boy, be THAT person who makes a difference in someone’s day. That one day can change someone’s outlook on their entire life.