I’m not okay.
There I said it. I am not okay.
I’m stressed. I’m worried. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m a
little lost. I’m angry. And I’m exhausted from pretending that I’m not.
I’m not okay.
And you know what. That’s okay.
Because I know I won’t always feel this way.
This too shall pass.
I will figure things out. I will discover my purpose in
life. I will be okay. I won’t be sad forever. I won’t be stressed forever. I
won’t always be lost. I will be okay, even if I’m not right now.
I know society isn’t too keen on showing weakness. It’s highly
discouraged, at least on a subconscious level. We are expected to be the
picture of health and beauty and knowledge. We must be strong and determined.
We have to be perfect. All. The. Time.
It’s exhausting trying to live up to that expectation.
I don’t know why I keep trying.
I have always been self-critical. I beat myself up over tiny
things, the smallest mistakes. (Not to mention the big mistakes). I’ll over
analyze five-minute conversations, wondering if I said the wrong thing and what
the other person thinks of me now. I lose sleep over decisions I made years
ago, wondering what I could have done differently.
I get wrapped up in trying to be perfect, in trying to
please everyone around me. Because it’s difficult to remember that it’s a
fruitless cause. Perfection doesn’t exist. You can’t make everyone happy all
the time.
And I’m learning that that’s okay.
I am learning to forgive myself for not being perfect. And
I’m learning to forgive myself for not always being okay. Because right now,
I’m not. But I also have the ability to change that.
It’s important to acknowledge how you’re feeling. It’s important to not only identify, but
also validate your feelings. Be honest about how you feel even if you don’t
think people will understand or relate or care. I can’t count the number of
times someone has asked me how I am and I respond with “I’m good” or “I’m fine”
when I’m really not. It’s a little white lie, an automatic response to a
small-talk question. And it doesn’t do me any good. It doesn’t make me feel
better, sometimes I feel worse for not being honest.
Acknowledge the
negative feelings. Say “hi, hello, I see you there.” Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re having a bad day or a rough week,
or a hard month. Don’t feel like you have to apologize for it either. It’s
okay. We all have them at some point.
What I’m still learning to do though, is not sink into the
feeling. That’s when it becomes difficult for me to get out of the funk.
I remind myself that I will feel better at some point. A
good night sleep usually does the trick. Or going for a walk. Or completely
reorganizing my entire room. Sometimes I call my friend and ask him to tell me
jokes. Find something that works for you so you don’t get stuck in the “not
okayness” for too long.
It’s okay to not be okay, just remember that you will be
okay eventually. You can do this.
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